Chapter 4

My not-quite hospital room greeted me again, and I went to hide in my cabinet. I felt like I had so much to think about, but it felt like my thoughts were orbiting a black hole, and every time that I got close, they would poof, and after a moment, I was just thinking about a pair of hazel eyes, and a gentle smile. 

I realized that I never got his name, and felt more despair than felt right for the situation. He was just a cute librarian, and I had spent so little time with him. I had thought about becoming a librarian, but before I could save up enough money to go to school, I got sick and spent all my time at the hospital. That’s when things started getting blurry. I couldn’t remember what they said I had, and I couldn’t remember dying. I could barely even remember all those years as a ghost at the hospital, but I had a clear image of Jessica and Violet walking through the hospital with their phones and flashlights and deciding that it was time for me to get out. 

That’s not what I need to be thinking about. I wanted to get out of the hospital more than anything. I don’t want to take over someone else’s life though. I just…

Would it be so bad to go back to the library and chat with that librarian some more. I’d love to learn more about how he got into the position, about his tattoos, and his hair. I’d never seen anyone with tattoos when I was alive. My mother said it was only for criminals, but I can see the appeal of having art permanently on your body. 

What would happen if I stayed in this body? Could I negotiate to share a life with the others? I imagine Rhys wouldn’t take that well. I just stayed in this room until the body died, would I just haunt wherever they die? Would I go back to the grounds of the hospital? Would I…

The cabinet always felt so comforting, but it was starting to feel like it was closing in on me. I crawled out, and nearly died when I learned that I wasn’t alone. On my bed was a small girl or maybe a woman. It was hard to tell. She had long black hair, and was wearing a plain white dress, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t see her face. 

“You’ll give us all a headache if you keep trying,” she said in a whisper.

“Who are you?” 

“You shouldn’t be hiding away,” she ignored my question and her legs just swung back and forth on the bed like a child, but her voice sounded like she was so much older. 

“I’m not trying to hide. I’m trying to get out of here.” I don’t know why I felt so defensive. She didn’t sound like she was accusing me of anything, but making a quiet observation. 

“Is it really so bad here?” 

“Have you met Rhys?” 

“Are you going to let one person dictate everything?” 

“What are you suggesting I do?” See, I could turn the only asking questions on her. See how much she likes it. 

“Live.” 

Everything went fuzzy for a moment, and when I was able to focus again, she was gone. 

Well, that was the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to me, and likely will ever happen. I didn’t feel comfortable staying in my room anymore, so I decided to do some more exploring. 

When I left my room, I was in a long hallway, and I could hear some voices in the distance. I took a deep breath to steady myself and walked towards the people. 

“You finally came out,” Bella said as she was suddenly in the hallway with me. “Did you know that we basically have the same name? I think the brain is struggling to come up with more unique names.” 

“You can keep the Bella part and I can go by Anna,” I said which seemed to please her. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course, we're basically family,” Bella said.

“Why is it just Rhys, Nyx and Singer that normally front?”

“We don't really know, but we have some ideas. So the brain seems to be in control of who's fronting, so it's easier for us to be consistent if it's a smaller amount of people that deal with the day to day stuff, and then the rest of us are brought to the front to deal with specific triggers.

But, I think that Rhys is partially to blame, because she scares everyone away from getting close to the front.”

“What does the brain have you front for?” 

“It's been quite a while, but I usually front when we're hyper or kinda manic.”

“Things have been pretty rough in the system’s life, huh?”

“I mean, Rhys, Nyx and Singer try their best, but between our job and Avery, there isn't a lot to be happy about. Just don't tell Rhys I said anything.”

“That's unfortunate,” I said. “Let's maybe switch to something more light-hearted. What fun is there to have here?”

I briefly thought about covering my ears before she started squeeling with joy. 

“Okay, so honestly it's pretty boring here, but maybe we could throw a little bit of a party to celebrate you being here. I'll get everything together.”